Shock Headline Du Jour: “My Brother’s Pregnancy and the making of a New American Family.”

In the article that follows, the sister describes how her “brother” (born female, and who is still female, as evidence by the fact that “he” can carry and breastfeed a child) has given birth to a Baby Boy. Ignore the backdrop that this “man’s” father came out as gay and divorced his mother and how the three daughters born of that broken marriage happen to grow up to be gay themselves. And why is that?  Because contrary to what the media has told you, people are not “born gay.” Being same-sex attracted is shaped primarily by a person’s relationships, culture and other experiences, not genetics or prenatal hormones. 

The author goes on to normalize this new frontier of “family” when in reality it’s the story of a manufactured infant- a child who whose life began with loss because the adults involved forced the baby to sacrifice his rights so he would fit into their lifestyle.  This may be the New American Family- if by that you mean the latest way that adults are violating the rights of children.  The sister told this family’s story from her “brother’s” perspective. 

Let me tell the story from the baby’s perspective:

First, because Baby Boy is the product of sperm donation, he is only related to one of the adults he will call “parents”.  That means that he loses half of his heritage and half of his extended family.  And, if he’s like the other donor-conceived kids that I know, he will likely spend a portion of his adolescence and adulthood seeking, maybe obsessing, to find the identity of his donor and half-siblings and also feeling troubled that money exchanged hands over his conception. Children should not be, and don’t like to be, treated as products to be designed and purchased. Kids crave biological connection.  Upon delivery, Baby Boy has a 50% deficit in that department.   

Second, while he will have a parent who appears male (male with engorged milk-filled breasts mind you) Baby Boy will not have a father. I’m a mother of sons and I can assure you that there are things that my boys need that I cannot give them- not even if I were to strap down my breasts and get a testosterone-induced beard.

You see, women stink at being men. If we were better at it, boys raised by single mothers would be doing a whole lot better than they are. For example, men are wired for visual stimulation (those Victoria Secret commercials aren’t targeting you, ladies) and it’s critical that boys have a dad who understands how their brains work. Young boys especially need dad to help them navigate this sensual culture. “Identifying” as a man does not make you one, and women simply cannot relate to boys the way men can.  

We ladies tend to focus on the emotional well-being of those around us. Men tend to focus on the the end game, the project, and “delivering the goods.”  Example: when my boys are Lego-ing my input is “please share”. Their father’s input is “Rad. When it’s done let’s test it’s design by shooting Nerf at it”. Which response do you think my boys delight in most? You know, the boys built with a brain that houses an aggression/action center two and a half times the size of their Mom’s itty bitty aggression center dwarfed by the I-need-a-latte-and-conversation brain? Let me give you a hint, the glee of risk, destruction, and action far outweighs the delight in sharing. Granted they need both messages, and that’s why God gave them a parent of each biological sex.

Third, having only one biological parent means that this boy will be raised (assuming that relationship lasts) by another woman not related to him at all.  Having worked in adoption, and observed my fair share of blended families, I can tell you that bonding and attachment with a non-biological adult is much more difficult outside of the rhythms that nature provides. Because of our broken world, sometimes it’s necessary to ask a child to love a biological stranger. But those relationships take more work, and tend to be much more tenuous for the child, than the kinship parent-child connection.  This couple has deliberately chosen a more difficult attachment road for Baby Boy.

Fourth, when raised by same-sex parents- which Baby Boy is despite the masculine appearance of his mother- kids are at risk in several areas and no, it can’t simply be attributed to “stigma.” As is evidenced by his “father’s” life, Baby Boy is more likely to be gay or transgendered himself.  In addition, recent research shows that Baby Boy is much more likely to be depressed, suicidal, and obese than his peers who are being raised by their mother and father.  He is more likely to feel distant from one or both parents (see discussion on biological connection above.) His mothers are more likely to be frustrated with him- perhaps because it’s hard for them to relate to their male child, or because there’s no dad to wrestle with or toss them in the air, or because a father’s discipline impacts children differently than mom’s.  

Finally, why do you think that it requires a man and a woman to make a baby? Children are made from a man and woman and they require the love of a man and woman, because they will grow up to be… a man or woman.  

Contrary to popular opinion, children do not just need love and nurture.  They also need need a male and female parent. I’m not talking about superficial stereotypes where mom walks around all day in heels and pearls and dad is grunting over football every Sunday. I’m saying that both boys and girls need to see their mothers loving being a woman, and their dads being strong men. They should see their parents appreciating the distinctions in communication and how men and women think and relate to the world. What children don’t need, is parents who tell them that they should become life-long customers of cosmetic surgery and the pharmaceutical industry if they experience gender confusion. Kids need to see mom and dad embracing their femininity or masculinity.  Why? Because it tells them the most important thing about themselves, namely:  “That’s what I’m becoming, and it’s awesome.”  

See, those of us who support heterosexual marriage do so- and will continue to do so regardless of what a handful on non-elected judges decree- because we think that male/female difference are amazing and valuable.  We love that those differences create new life. And we see that children delight in, and benefit from having, both a mother and a father.  We understand that male-female marriage is the model that best protects a child’s right to their mother and father and their heritage. We know that this family model stacks the deck in children’s favor when it comes to mental, emotional, and physical health. The marriage debate has very little to do with how adults feel, how they identify, and how the political winds are blowing.  It has everything to do with the story we tell about to whom children belong and safeguarding their rights.

So what’s the take-away from this “Dad” giving birth? Simply this: Don’t ask a child to give up what he’s made for so that you can live as you please.  Children have a right to their mother and father.  They have a right not to be purchased and manufactured into existence.  And they deserve parents who will model for them and tell them that their bodies, beautifully male and female, are perfect without any added hormones or surgical alterations.  

Do what you want to do with your body.  Form whatever (adult, consensual) relationships you choose. That’s your prerogative. But when you have children- whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, or transgender- it’s not about you anymore.  Adults must bend their desires so as to protect a child’s fundamental rights.  

That’s what it means to be an adult, afterall.